On Marriage, Love, and Hikes

Like all good love stories, this one starts with a strong driving force that brings the couple together:

“It was 1987 and I like to say I was single, but not looking. But I was looking for a football ticket to the BYU Wyoming game,” said Doug Gardine, my host for my stay in Utah.

Doug called up a friend he knew would have spare tickets to the sold out game that wasn’t going to air on TV. She did, but the tickets came with a girl. After confirming that this girl went to church, Doug agreed to go to the game with her.

He met JoDee at the steps of the stadium. Retelling the story decades later, Doug sounded like a giddy teen when he said she looked cute. They sat together and talked while watching the game with their single friends. One of Doug’s friends came up, started checking out JoDee, and struck up a conversation. Then it clicked for Doug.

“I’m thinking to myself, ‘dude this is my date,’” Doug remembered. “Next thing you know I look over again and she’s got her leg up against mine.”

Doug took the hint and started holding JoDee’s hand.

JoDee, Doug, and I

“And we’ve been holding hands ever since. Thirty-four years.”

***

The Delicate Arch is one of the most beautiful things I’ve seen in my life. It’s no wonder that it’s the main attraction at Arches National Park, placed front and center in most pictures and souvenirs in the visitor center. The hike to get there is a 3.2 mile round trip with a little more than 400 feet of elevation gain. Inexperienced hikers like myself look at those numbers in ignorant bliss.

At the start of the hike, the trail was easy – a few quick hills that were conquered in less than five minutes. The people walking back to the parking lot looked extremely chipper, not even breathing hard.

This is it? It can’t be that hard.

***

Doug and JoDee started dating after the game, though Doug was just testing the waters. He hadn’t dated much and wanted to explore other options before committing to anything long term. JoDee let him go on dates with other girls, but warned him that he wouldn’t find anyone better.

“I dated a few other girls. They were nice enough, nothing serious, nothing physical, none of that. So I said, ‘hmm, JoDee’s right. She is one in a million.’ So we started dating again.”

Doug and JoDee got married the next year.

***

Once I cleared the last easy hill I was feeling a bit warm. It was about 5 pm; sunset wasn’t until close to 8:30 that day. I took a sip of water and looked for the rest of the trail. All I saw in front of me was a massive sheet of rock that sloped up gently but steadily for a few hundred feet. Hikers ahead of me trudged slowly up, occasionally stopping for a break.

Oh.

The further I got up the rock sheet the hotter it became. The rock not only absorbed the heat but radiated it as the sun continued to bake it. There was no shade in sight and nothing beside the rock itself to sit on. It wouldn’t have been unreasonable to turn around and go back at this point.

No, I’m picking this as my hill to die on… hopefully not literally.

***

Doug and I were in the car on our way to pick up dinner when he started gushing about his wife. On several occasions before he had mentioned her previous job at the bank and how good she was with numbers – but there was more to the story this time.

“When JoDee worked at the bank, guys would come in and flirt with her. Especially the firefighters, they would tell her dirty jokes and see how she’d respond,” Doug said. “I just didn’t like other guys flirting with my wife,”

“That just means you chose well.”

“Thank you,” Doug broke into a smile, “I never thought of it like that. I did choose well.”

Some might see Doug’s reaction to the firefighters as unreasonable. He can’t control other peoples’ actions. But this was a man who really loved his wife, and he wanted to be the one flirting with her.

***

When I got close to the top of the sheet rock I stopped to refill my bottle. I had brought close to a gallon of water with me and drank most of it. I remembered reading on a brochure to not do this hike in the middle of the day and in that moment understood why. Even with enough water, heat stroke was still a real risk. I kept going, but knew I needed to find some shade soon.

Why couldn’t they just make a road that brings you up next to it? I’ve never had to walk more than a half mile from the parking lot until now.

At the top of the rock sheet were a few feet of flat dirt followed by another small incline. Eventually, the terrain flattened out again and I came across a small spot of shade before the final ascent. There were two other groups of hikers huddled in this space no bigger than two handicap bathroom stalls lined up. I joined them and we all sat in exhausted silence. When a solo hiker stood up after a few minutes, I followed suit.

I felt like the end had to be near and so continued up a sloped rock ledge. This path was maybe wide enough for two narrow-shouldered people to walk side-by-side before one side dropped off into a steep slope to the valley below. Still, no Delicate Arch to be seen, just some smaller inset arches across the valley. A massive rock face made up the wall of the side I walked on with a sharp right turn after about 100 feet.

***

JoDee and I were in the kitchen while Doug was running errands when she commented on how it seemed like a lot of married couples don’t seem to like each other very much as they get older. I thought back to some older married folk I’ve seen bickering back and forth and had to agree.

“It must be hard,” I said.

JoDee waited a few moments for me, someone who’s never been in a committed relationship, to expand on why I thought marriage is hard. I started to give an uneducated guess a few times, but quickly realized I wouldn’t be an authority to speak on the topic and gave the floor to her.

“Well it’s easy in the beginning, you have the fireworks, but that goes away. Then you have to put in work,” JoDee smiled. “Sometimes you have to agree to disagree on a topic. The ‘never go to bed angry’ is real. You can’t do that.”

I nodded, JoDee was casually revealing the secrets to a happy marriage while doing the dishes. I was wishing I’d brought my notebook to the kitchen.

“But when the fireworks fade and you keep working at it, you get something better. You get a love that’s much deeper and intimate,” JoDee said.

***

Despite the heat and hills, the most brutal part of the hike for me was the fact that up until the very last moment where you’re within a few hundred feet of it, the Delicate Arch remains firmly in the realm of imagination. Once I rounded the final corner it’s there, but you get no confirmation during the hike that it actually exists or how far away it is. There are no mile markers of any kind, and the only indication that you haven’t missed it is the occasional signs that say “TRAIL” with an arrow.

That said, the ending of the hike was so much sweeter when it snuck up on me. There’s no denying that I made it and all the work I put in became worth it. I basked in the glory of the arch for a while. I had seen the pictures before and the real thing looked exactly like them. The arch itself is just over 50 feet tall, but felt so much bigger than the 400+ feet I just climbed to get there. All the hardships of hiking, sweating, hoping I wouldn’t pass out from the heat, without knowing when I would reach the end suddenly became unimportant. In person the experience is deeply intimate. I had to battle to get there and in doing so created my own context and meaning for the arch.

As I reluctantly shouldered my backpack to leave, I remembered my idea for a road.

No, that wouldn’t be right.

Just driving right up to it would be about the same as looking at the pictures. Sure it would still look impressive, but the true beauty comes from the work one puts in to get there.

***

With some probing, Doug gave his insight on what makes a successful marriage. The key to a happy couple, in Doug’s eyes, is treasuring and showing appreciation toward each other.

“There’s no rule that says you have to have all the things, refrigerator, washer, dryer, those all come in time,” Doug said.

It wasn’t a surprise when Doug had more or less the same advice as JoDee when it came to dealing with a marriage’s rough patch. Doug reflected that it’s not about choosing your battles, but choosing how to battle. The arguments will come, he said, the important part is learning how to argue fairly.

“Choose the hill you’re going to die on because some are just not worth dying on. Some things don’t mean anything in a week. A vacation to the mountains or a vacation to the beach is still a vacation,” Doug said.

And the secret to keep the marriage going strong? Again, it seemed like he and JoDee compared notes before talking to me.

“Keep working hard on your marriage, cultivate it. Just like when you plant a garden you can’t throw seeds in the ground and expect it to grow, you have to water it and get rid of the weeds,” Doug said.

***

I wish I could remember exactly what JoDee said when she started bragging about her husband. I do remember the grin that stayed on her face the whole time. It always started with “I’m sure he showed you…” He hadn’t, so JoDee would launch into the story on one of his projects for the house, how he did it, and send me to go see for myself.

A table with chunks of branches suspended in resin? Easy. An entertainment center with sliding barn-doors? He’s made several. Repainting the fridge to match the kitchen? Done. If it involved woodworking Doug could do it, and if he didn’t know how to do something he’d hop on the internet and figure it out.

“I’m very blessed to have Doug,” JoDee said.

***

I was about to turn the corner and begin the trek back when I turned around and took one more look at the arch. The arches are naturally created by years and years of rainfall slowly eroding different deposits of sandstone and other minerals. The weaker sections get broken off or dissolve and over time the arch is formed. What once would have been a huge, impressive, solid rock became the even more impressive structure it is now because of what it went through to get to the point it’s at now.

And the chipper attitude of the hikers on their way back? I discovered first-hand that it’s from having seen the Delicate Arch and enjoying the entirely downhill walk back.

When I was walking down the final small hill before the parking lot I saw a family starting their journey to the arch.

“Is it pretty close to here?” the mom asked the group of hikers ahead of me.

The hikers let out a small laugh and said, “Not really.”

There’s no denying it’s a journey. There’s no shortcuts, no way to skip the hard parts, but if this family pushed through I know they wouldn’t regret it. How could you when you end up at such a beautiful place?